I'm a Joiner

I'm a buffet kind of girl.

I like to eat a little of this and a little of that. I go back for more when I can, and there's almost nothing I won't try at least once.

If it's there for the taking, I'm gonna grab it. Not just when it comes to food, but life, as well.

I've frequently been called a jack of all trades and the expert at none. Short of my mediocre math skills, I'm not actually horrible at a lot of things I do. But I'm not exactly at the Olympic-athlete echelon, either.

The problem lies more with the fact that I struggle to say "No" to anything. I take on a lot. I always have, in fact.

But it's not because I care about what other people think of me. In fact, I really don't mind letting people down if it's something that's just not feasible for me. My husband and my family come first, and I try not to let anything get in the way of that.

The problem lies with the fact that I, myself, am a joiner. I do. I see. I actively participate.

The whole reason I even became a trainer was because I took a kickboxing class at age 18, in college, and thought, "I could teach this. In fact, I could teach it better."

So I did. I got a license. And then I got another license. And before I knew it, I was training other trainers how to teach clients and small-group classes.

Keep in mind, exercise-related studies weren't even my major. I have bachelor's degrees in history and journalism.

I just don't do much halfway.

And, when I was younger, that was fine. I could go and do and join and be as active and aggressive as I wanted to be. I could juggle five jobs, graduate school, and a social life.

And believe me, I did.

Even right after I got married, I managed to handle quite a lot. Two to three jobs at a time. A husband. A household. Friendships. Community service projects.

I didn't sleep much, but I was involved.

An opportunity would come my way - some freelance work, a committee position at the school I taught at, an extra small-group session at the gym - and I'd take it.

After all, I loved what I did.

I loved to write. And I loved to teach. And I loved to train. Plus, I loved all the people I got to meet through my writing and teaching and training.

Not to mention the fact that, when it comes down to it, I got paid for everything I did. And I'm not one to turn down cold, hard cash, especially considering we've never been rolling in dough around these parts, anyways.

Still, during those days of marriage, I'll freely admit, my laundry didn't always get done. My kitchen floor could get kind of grody. And we definitely had take-out more days than I'd even consider having it now.

There were some sacrifices that had to be made in order for me to maintain that kind of "joiner" lifestyle.

Then, as life progressed, and the hubs joined the military, and we moved to South Carolina, and I got pregnant, all my activity died down a bit.

I still worked (heck, I have two jobs, still) but everything I was involved in was a little less time-intensive.

Life was calmer, more orderly. My laundry doesn't pile up. My house is (mostly) clean. And I rarely go to bed thinking, "Crud! I didn't get half my to-do list done today!"

Part of it is that I'm anal. And part of it is that I've just got more time now.

Which is also why I sleep more. Bake more. Run more errands that I'd normally put off to the weekend, on, say, a Wednesday.

Life has an easier pace.

Which is why, recently, when a few opportunities have come my way, I've started to notice a new personality trait of mine:

Anxiety.

Before, I'd embrace almost every new chance at something I'd get. I'd get hyped up. I'd figure out a way to pencil it into my schedule.

But now? I'm a little freaked.

I mean, I'm joyous, sure. I'm always flattered when I hear from someone, recommending me for a freelance job or a tough client looking for a trainer.

But I'm also really anxious that it's going to upset the status quo. That I'm going to be forced to choose between the new opportunity and, say, my crying baby.

For, truly, I like my life. I will not give up taking care of my husband or my household. I won't give up blogging. (Even more so these days because it, also, brings in some income.) I won't give up working with my clients at a job where I can bring my baby to work with me every day of the week.

Who else can say that?

My life rocks.

I get to do what I love and be in the family I love.

It couldn't get any better.

And, yet, the joiner inside of me isn't completely dead yet. The jack of all trades still yearns a little for the sunshine.

I was that girl once, and I'm not totally done being her.

But, honestly, I'm just not sure how that fits into my changing life right now.

Is there room for me to do more? Yes.

Am I eager to bring in some more income while being able to stay at home with my baby? Heck, yes.

Which is why, over the past few weeks, I've been squelching my anxiety, and I'm saying actually saying it.

I'm saying, "Yes."

I'm taking on a few more opportunities. I'm going to try and make it all work, even though I'll have a brand new baby in less than three months.

Call me crazy. I may just be.

But when it came down to it, the joiner in me won.

After all, that girl's been around for a little bit longer. And she's not quite ready to hand over the reigns just yet.

***

I am willing to admit that, should any opportunity I try not work out, I'm more than willing to choose my child and family over my job. My priorities have shifted these days; Baby Girl and my husband come first.

Which, in essence, is why I've chosen to embrace several opportunities that have come my way recently. They've given me a chance to make more money, from home, and still be a stay-at-home mother. I can't, in good conscious, turn that down. Right now, it's a win-win for everybody. (Other than me, who may lose a few more hours of sleep, but what's that among friends, right?)

Still, I'm willing to admit it may not work. I'm new at juggling all this. And as long as I can take a deep breath and know that no matter what, I have a right to choose Baby Girl first, then I think I can swing it. I think I can be me - a joiner - and still live the life of a stay-at-home mom.

***

Happy Tuesday, everyone!