I hit a wall sometimes.
A big, tired wall.
I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be talked to. I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere or do anything.
I want to wear pajamas and sip warm teas and coffees and read books in my bed while occasionally watching a movie.
Doing so was always a rare occurrence in my life when I was a grad student. When I was a professional. When I was just a wife.
But as a mommy? It just doesn't happen. Ever.
Even if the hubs isn't deployed, I don't have sound-proof rooms in my home. We don't even have a bedroom door that locks. I can't even take a 20-minute nap without Ella running in, yelling, "Mama! Mama! Mama!" Or a baby needing to be nursed. Or a question about where whats-its are. Or some indiscernible screams that last just a little too long till I can no longer relax and I have to go out and see what's going on so I get up only to find out Ella and her father playing a Who-Can-Scream-the-Weirdest? game which is no big deal until I'm spotted and can't escape back to bed because someone needs a snack, hug, drink, toy, or new diaper. And only mama can do it.
Meanwhile, I'm getting angsty. Upset. Resentful.
I sleep very little. I spend an inordinate amount of time taking care of food and home and family. And I get shabbier and shoddier and more and more tired.
When the hubs is deployed, it's even worse.
And - full honesty - that's where I'm at right now.
I just want to take a shower, grab a nap, and read a book.
But that can't happen.
So I'm not in a pretty place.
Yesterday, Ella was tired, and the day was winding down.
On a whim, she decided to make it rain. With pumpkin seeds.
OK. She's 2. No big deal.
Until she didn't pick them up. And we had to several rounds of time-out, some severe talking-tos, and over an hour of tension. I have never had her look at me like she did. I've never yelled at her like I did.
It was ugly.
And though part of it was just the situation, at least a tiny bit of it was the fact that, simply put, I'm done.
I love my life, and I don't need a vacation.
I need a break.
But since that isn't going to happen, I'm kind of stewing and upset at myself all at once.
This, too, shall pass. It's just my life.
But it just isn't my favorite part of life, that's for sure.
Be back more when I can see the sunny side of this gig I've got going. Thanks for being understanding.