Tuesday, July 2, 2013


I hit a wall sometimes.

A big, tired wall.

I don't want to be touched.  I don't want to be talked to.  I don't want to see anyone or go anywhere or do anything.

I want to wear pajamas and sip warm teas and coffees and read books in my bed while occasionally watching a movie.

Doing so was always a rare occurrence in my life when I was a grad student.  When I was a professional.  When I was just a wife.

But as a mommy? It just doesn't happen.  Ever.

Even if the hubs isn't deployed, I don't have sound-proof rooms in my home.  We don't even have a bedroom door that locks.  I can't even take a 20-minute nap without Ella running in, yelling, "Mama! Mama! Mama!"  Or a baby needing to be nursed.  Or a question about where whats-its are.  Or some indiscernible screams that last just a little too long till I can no longer relax and I have to go out and see what's going on so I get up only to find out Ella and her father playing a Who-Can-Scream-the-Weirdest? game which is no big deal until I'm spotted and can't escape back to bed because someone needs a snack, hug, drink, toy, or new diaper.  And only mama can do it.

Meanwhile, I'm getting angsty.  Upset. Resentful.

I sleep very little.  I spend an inordinate amount of time taking care of food and home and family.  And I get shabbier and shoddier and more and more tired.

When the hubs is deployed, it's even worse.

And - full honesty - that's where I'm at right now.

I just want to take a shower, grab a nap, and read a book.

But that can't happen.

So I'm not in a pretty place.

Yesterday, Ella was tired, and the day was winding down.

On a whim, she decided to make it rain. With pumpkin seeds.

OK.  She's 2.  No big deal.

Until she didn't pick them up. And we had to several rounds of time-out, some severe talking-tos, and over an hour of tension.  I have never had her look at me like she did.  I've never yelled at her like I did.

It was ugly.

And though part of it was just the situation, at least a tiny bit of it was the fact that, simply put, I'm done.

I love my life, and I don't need a vacation.

I need a break.

But since that isn't going to happen, I'm kind of stewing and upset at myself all at once.

This, too, shall pass.  It's just my life.

But it just isn't my favorite part of life, that's for sure.
Be back more when I can see the sunny side of this gig I've got going.  Thanks for being understanding.


Katie @ Loves of Life said...

ahh girl. Even without my husband being deployed I have my snapping moments. You are not alone. I hope you can somehow sneak away some quiet moments, somehow. xo

Amanda said...

I've had those moments and my husband is here day in and day out. Hope that you can get a break soon.

Karen said...

I definitely have my snapping moments. I hope that you are able to get some quiet time to yourself soon, it's hard when you don't get that alone time.

Lindsey said...

I wish I could scoop those girls up and give you the day of peace and quiet you deserve. Take care of yourself. Your health and sanity is #1.

Susannah said...

Oh girl, we all have that. It will pass. I know you're going bonkers, especially with Ella not napping. And I can't imagine the deployment scenario! We are thinking of you, understanding, and hoping you get a break stat!!! Xoxo

Samantha said...

Dude. I so wish I could come pick up your babies for a few hours for ya!! Hope you get your break soon!

Southern Belle Mama said...

I think I was meant to read this today! My three babes have taken over every moment of my life (especially now that school and preschool are out) and I hit that wall a few days ago. I haven't had a moment to blog, read, or relax. Like you said...I love my life but I need a break. We all need a break. But with a babe who refused a bottle it's been a long 7 months. I did get a few hours to myself on Sunday and I felt like a new woman. I will say a prayer for you and for all the mamas out there...I hope that break comes soon for you!

Amy Silver said...

Oh girl.. I've soooo been there. And still get there sometimes. I wish I had the solution (cause I'd be a lot more rested myself! Lol) but I can say that it DOES get easier with time. Somehow things have worked themselves out and I no longer feel like a pressure cooker, ready to blow. Hang in there, and drink some caffeine, that helps :)

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