Still What I'm Needing

I'm sitting here, at 8:30 p.m., still in my parent's house.

Ella and I will be here through the rest of the week, as planned.

Though the Christmas festivities are over, I'm not ready to go home. Tactically, right now, there is no point.

My husband is working 24-7 and has been since he headed back home right after Christmas. And there's no work for me to do, as no clients are interested in hitting the gym during vacation hours.

Which, in short, is fine by me.

To be perfectly honest, I'm in no mood to go back to work yet. I wasn't really happy at work earlier in the month, either.

I was just, for lack of a less cliche phrase, burned out.

I was getting irritated with clients, with my boss, with myself. It was like pulling teeth to smile and come up with interesting and effective work for my clients.

And the rest of my world felt the same way, too.

I was getting massively irritated with everything. Things that are petty and don't normally bother me had me fretting. Things that I normally brush off had me in tears. I was just feeling the itch - the itch to run and get away from my normal life.

I truly adore my life. But it is exhausting. I am married to a military man; my life is lonely sometimes. And in the same instant, it's not. There's an extremely active community and friend's circle I have there. I have a shining, energetic daughter. I have a successful, upstanding husband.

But all of those things can be taxing.

They wear out the extroverted aside of me. They make me want to hide away and beg everyone to leave me alone. They make me resent the fact that no one helps me change diapers or do baths or gives me 20 minutes to take a shower alone almost ever. And it's not like anyone can help that.

But it doesn't change the fact that sometimes, I'm done. I'm holding onto the end of my rope, quickly losing energy and about ready to give up the fight.

Thank God, Christmas came to my rescue.

I got on that plane back on my birthday, and, honestly, didn't look back.

I just needed to be away from my house, my job, my life.

It's the reason I haven't blogged in over a week; I had to be away from that, too.

Thirteen days in, and I'm starting to feel my old self returning.

I'm excited to organize and implement all the toys and activities Ella received for Christmas. I'm starting to get revved up about our move in the next two to three months. I'm beginning to think up amazing New Year's workouts for my mommy clients.

I'm blogging.

Like a lingering but slowly improving cough, I'm starting to recover.

Maybe it's a sign of age. Maybe it's a sign of motherhood. Maybe it's a sign of the fact that I honestly have gotten to a point in my life where I don't give two hoots what anyone thinks about me or my family.

But just as quickly as I was done, I'm starting to be, well, undone.

Because this Christmas? This Christmas I needed. It was as crucial as a blood tranfusion.

My patience was shot. My energy was shot. Life felt like I was picking at the scab I'd been putting over my own exhaustion and needs for a while.

So, I'm grateful I'm still gone. That I'm still at my parents, visiting with childhood friends and meeting their babies and having them meet mine. I needed this to re-charge.

And to be completely honest, right now, I'm still needing it.

***

This isn't the pick-me-up, happy Christmas recaps others are posting. I have one of those. Indeed, our Christmas was magical. Everything is better with a baby, but Christmas? Well, it's like Christmas on steroids.

I'll get that up, eventually.

But for now, we're still making memories and living in the altered, therapeutic state of a relaxed vacation.

I'll be back right after the New Year, so until then, I wish you all a Happy 2012.

May we all re-charge and rejuvenate during these last few days of 2011.

***

Happy Wednesday, everyone!