On Parenting Without Bloggers

I will be completely up-front and tell you that my blog's No. 1 reader?

My father.

The poor guy reads every word I write. And apparently likes it.

In fact, when I'm visiting my parents, he gets a bit miffed that I don't regularly post.

And that's when he's living with me.

The man is nothing short of devoted.

My mom, however?

She's a busy woman, who I talk to a lot, anyway, so she's a frequent, albeit not totally regular, visitor here on the old blog, no matter what she says.

Which is fine and dandy and totally understandable.

Until the woman finally sparks an interest.

Turns out, last week? She was reading. Every comment. Every criticism. Everything. She noticed the controversy I'd stirred up here and here before I did.

She even called me to see what the private, cruel e-mailers had said.

Turns out, when your kid grows up, your mama-bear instinct doesn't go away.

Regardless, we shared a few laughs about the whole thing. Mostly because it's "her fault" that I am the way I am. I'm raising Ella just like I was raised.

So, imagine my surprise when, at the end of last week, she sent me an e-mail. An e-mail entitled "Mom Speaks Out."

Ooh, boy. That's when I knew we all were in trouble.

My mama had written a blog post, people. Her first, and very own, blog post.

So, I'm publishing it. Right below. Read away. I've changed a few commas and periods but not a word otherwise.

I think it's that good.

And I also think it's an amazing reminder to all of us moms, who are gifted with much more open communities and Internet resources than our mothers were, to see what we have as a blessing and not a means to stir up controversy and pick apart someone just because they do it differently than we do.

***

You don’t know me but I, too, follow this blog religiously, and I really wanted to post today to give a different - probably older, but not necessarily wiser - take on the discussions over the last several [weeks.]

I must tell you that I don’t come at this from a totally unbiased place. Because I am Brittany’s mom.

I write this post not because I want to defend her - although I must confess when I read some of the anonymous [commenters] I did go into “mommy” mode and that protective instinct kicked in.

I particularly wanted to shoot off a quick retort to the anonymous poster who called Brittany’s motives as a mother into question. (“But it seems like you need to get your ego about these sorts of things in check. It is not about you being right all the time.”) I wanted to go on notice right than and there that one could find many areas to find fault with Brittany or her blog posts, but I really don’t think anyone who really reads this blog could question her motives as a mom.

Although I have a more personal view of her love and passion for being Ella’s mom, I think all those reading can see that her desire to provide the best possible care for her daughter is most definitely not founded in ego or to prove anyone else wrong! But Brittany is more than capable of standing up for her opinions and the choices she makes for her daughter. And those attempts and methods are probably what is at the root of the discussion.

Yes, I wholeheartedly support her methods at finding holistic ways to nurture her child. After all, I am the crazy person who started her down that path 27 years ago. But really, the methods she has researched and chosen for her child are not taken lightly by Brittany. I know because I have listened to many hours of discussion and anguish over them.

I have tried to listen and give my opinions, but I have also always told her that ultimately it is her decision (along with Ella’s dad’s) to do what they think is right for their beautiful baby. And that, I guess, as many of you have discussed in your comments, is the bottom line.

As mothers we have been entrusted with our children, entrusted with all the decisions that will impact their lives forever. And lets face it, none of us will go through this process without mistakes and insecurities about our decisions.

But with the exception of those people who have not been equipped to handle the job due to mental issues and/or lack of education, most of us take that responsibility seriously and will do the very best we can to make sure our children are secure, healthy and loved.

So I find it hard to believe that as women who are in this difficult job together, we always feel we must take sides.

When I was in this stage of parenting and making decisions about my children’s health, it was more difficult to connect with others who viewed things as I did. There was a community out there, which chose as I did, the more holistic way of nurturing and healing our children, but I did not run into them in the circles I lived in.

So with that in mind, along with the fact that I have a much different personality than my daughter, I approached things differently than Brittany.

I did as I believed quietly. Or under the radar.

I did not share much of what I did with those around me. Because just the little that I put out there was met with much resistance and a lot of animosity.

People did notice how I fed my children and for the most part found ways to mock it and undermine it. They tried to sneak sugar into my children’s diet at every turn, and often times I heard remarks like “Who do you think you are, Mother of the Year?”

So I never shared too much of my philosophies because I did not think I was “Mother of the Year.” I was just trying to do what in my heart I felt was best for them. And never once did I feel like my methods were the only way to love and raise children.

Just the only way that I could do it.

I struggled then with the prevailing feeling from others that, if my way wasn’t like yours ,that somehow that meant that I thought my way was better than yours.

I had great respect for the many mothers I came in contact with and drew upon the knowledge they shared with me. What a shame that I did not feel comfortable sharing mine.

As Brittany entered her life as a mom, I was so overjoyed at the experience she had with the birth of my first grand-daughter and even more overjoyed to see the support system she had found to have her baby in the natural way she had chosen.

That mothers could openly choose between several different methods and have control over their birth process was such a step forward from where we had been when I gave birth years ago. (I might add, should someone misconstrue: I do not believe what Brittany choose as her birth story is the one and only right way to give birth. I am not even sure that I would have what it takes to have done it in the same way.) Because I saw such progress in this area, I so hoped that the world of motherhood my daughter was entering would be a place where all earnest mothers would be accepted.

Where with the advent of the Internet and access to all kinds of information and all kinds of forums for discussions among us, we could get past that place where we draw lines in the sand and try to label one type of parenting as good and the other as bad.

We are all individuals, so unique as women and mothers, and we are nurturers of beautiful, unique human beings that are entrusted to us for a short time.

The same things will not work for all of us.

I have many wonderful friends who parented very differently than I did. Even if they agreed with me on some areas of this tough job, they most certainly did not agree with everything. They, too, studied their options and made their choices and guess what? They had much success at this parenting job, too.

They managed to raise wonderful human beings who are loving and responsible members of society. Because, at the end of the day, what really matters to our children is that they feel safe, respected and loved.

So, I guess I had hoped that with all the advances in technology we would be open to sharing ideas and making our decisions and showing each other some of that same respect and love.

We need to keep working towards that goal because we have so much to share.

***

The funny thing is? I had a similar post saved in my drafts for weeks, way before I even stirred up some unexpected controversy on my blog.

But, putting my apparently huge ego aside, I figured I'd let Mama do the talking this time.

She says it better than I ever could.

Amen, Mama. Amen.

***

Happy Tuesday, everyone.