Workout Wednesday: Next time, I'll go pants-less

Monday night, I got to the gym just in time to throw on my clothes and go teach two classes.

I was substituting for another instructor who taught a Power Cardio Hour before I taught my normal 60-person Body Pump class.

I had about 100 harried gym members to deal with, and I was already sweating from a long day at the school.

So I threw on my sports bra and tank top, whipped off my teacher's skirt, and then grabbed for my capri running tights.

I stuck my right leg in, and...

Uh-oh.

I couldn't even pull the pants past my calf.

What was going on here? I wondered. Had I gained a whole bunch of weight since last week, when I wore these very same pants?

I held them up for inspection and only then realized what I was up against:

A teeny, tiny, child-sized pair of pink and black leggings.

Or, in actuality, a teeny, tiny formerly adult-sized pair of pink and black leggings that had been shrunk by the wash into pants that may or may not fit a pre-pubescent 11 year old.

Lordy be. Now I'd really gone and done it.

Breaking all rules and regulations I normally hold about drying my cotton and spandex workout gear in the dryer (Only air dry! I repeat: Only air dry!) I'd apparently gone and mechanically dried these poor suckers into infant-like shrinkage accidentally, thus leaving me standing in the locker room, five minutes away from teaching 100+ members for 2.5 hours, pants-less.

Sans pants.

Lacking coverage on my bottom half of any form, including, but not limited to, shorts, sweats, tights, leggings, pantyhose, or pantaloons.

Not. Good.

Still, not being one to admit defeat easily, I tackled the child-sized tights again.

This time, I started with the left leg. I inched the pants up millimeter by millimeter, grabbing at any give in the fabric, stretching it within an inch of it's life, and moving it up my calf, then my knee, then my thigh.

Until, finally, I got the pants on.

Barely.

But still, I did get them on.

They were so tight that I'm pretty sure they were cutting off circulation to my thighs where the spandex was sharply jutting into the skin right below my rear's cheeks.

The normally black spandex was stretched so thin it looked like a medium-light shade of gray.

And you could see the hairs growing off my thighs, those suckers were so tight.

I could barely walk myself over to the locker-room mirror to inspect the damage. Frankly, I was lucky I hadn't busted a seam getting them on.

But no matter.

Because in T-minus two minutes, I was going to be lunging and squatting and doing jumping jacks.

All in the World's Smallest Pants, which were currently tightly enveloping the biggest part of my body.

Oh, heavens.

I needed a quick fix. And fast.

I went out to the gym's front desk, or, rather, sidled sideways so as not to angrily burst forth through the pants, a la, The Hulk.

I bought a men's extra-large, long-sleeve T-shirt.

I tied the thing tightly around my waist, until I resembled a woman wearing too-small pants and one awkward fitting skirt.

And then, I went upstairs and took those tight pants and the resulting embarrassment like a (wo)man.

I taught my classes.

Without even splitting a seam. (Although I did lose feeling in my left thigh for a good 20 minutes during the Body Pump class, but tight-pants-wearers can't be choosers.)

Still, I was pretty darn proud of my pants and my legs.

Until I was packing up after the classes were over and a woman came up and asked me where I got those "cute gray tights."

I ended up caving and told her the whole story, laughing all the while.

She laughed with me.

We began to part ways.

But then she turned back around for one final word.

"Ah! No big deal! Next time, just go pants-less!" she said, before smacking me on the rear and walking out.

***

Yep, this really happened. And with it, I've reached an all-new wardrobe-malfunctioning low.

Oh, heavens.

Shows you people will really say anything. Or wear anything, come to think of it.

That's it for me today. Next week, we'll be featuring Workout Wednesday: Q&A. So feel free to post any questions you may have below.

And until then, Happy Exercising!