There comes a time in every woman's life when she sighs, looks down at her thighs, and realizes one very important, unchangeable truth:
She needs a tan like whoa.
For me, my friends, the time is now.
Because yesterday, I took a good, long, stiff drink of iced tea and dropped my pants.
And what glared up at me was so ghastly that it probably beamed straight up through my bathroom rooftop and could be seen from outer space.
I'm sure astronauts were temporarily blinded by the light up there in the Mars Space Station, or Hubble, or whatever device they're currently using to orbit the moon these days.
All I'm saying is, if NASA reports a "minor million-dollar production loss" in the next couple of days, you all know who to blame:
My thighs.
I expected as much when I attempted to wear ankle-bearing leggings under a dress to another baby shower this weekend. The white glint peeking up at me was a bit scary.
But I didn't realize the full extent of the damage until I stared at my legs with a completely unobstructed view.
And, oh, the horror.
There were veins and splotches and - it has to be said - hairy patches.
All atop the whitest set of gams I've ever walked with.
Apparently, my Italian roots have failed me, and I've been robbed blind of my natural olive complexion. Because my legs are white.
White as paper.
White as a sheet.
White as chalk.
White white white.
I can literally look down and see my own reflection in these bad boys.
Frankly, I blame this freakishly cold winter. I also blame my own Self-Conscious Gene, which basically renders me so nervous about my thighs that I'd sooner walk out of the house topless than show anyone anything above my knee caps.
But still, that doesn't change the fact that action has to be taken.
Changes have to occur.
Tinctures or something have to be applied before I can walk outside and bare so much as an inch of ankle.
I'm considering buying stock in self-tanner; I'm debating throwing caution to the wind and going to the tanning bed.
I've even wondered if I'd rather look orange from a spray-tan than white from my own thigh neglect.
It's bad, people, it's bad.
Send help; send Jergens; send something.
Before me and my thighs stay swathed in sweatpants forever and never see the light again.
***
Happy Monday! Hope your weekend was wonderful!
33 comments:
weeks before our wedding I started using Jergen's Natural Glow. It was great without being fake-tan-orange looking. It wasn't too overwhelming either. It just took my legs & arms from pasty, ghostly white to a slight tint of color so I wouldn't have less color than my dress :) Oh, and another blogger recommended St. Tropez self tanning mousse - she said it has never left her streaky or orange. I hate being white too!
Amen sister!!! Good grief....I am so PALE!! But since you live in Florida( I just moved from there) it should be getting warm enough to lay outside again.....me I still have another couple months!! And don't worry...I have seriously contemplated the fake bake bed too, my friend!
Hey Casper, I'll bet you I could give you a run for your pasty colored money! I'm sure of it!
I have semi tan arms (only cause their the only limbs that hang out of the car) but my legs are nightmarish....you'll see!
Oh girl, I have been thinking the same thing about myself! I'm to the point where I may go lie in a tanning bed for 15 minutes just to give myself some color!
Oh lovey, I will wallow with you in the pasty whiteness. I'm quite Casper-ish myself...even in the middle of Summer. But I'm used to it.
I've been feeling the same way and think my legs glow in the day. Gone are the days of my Hawaiian tropic tan (and boy do I miss them). I do like the gradual self-tanners and everyone can slap me on the wrist because I did go in the tanning bed at the gym last week for all of 5 minutes. I know it's really bad, but I had to take action. I may even do it again tonight.
lol I hear you!!! Use banana boat lotion!! it's amazing!
I so have the same problem!! my little sister took all the olive from me an kept it for herself. grrrr. I wish I had some help for you...but if you find something that works...gimme a shout...I'll try anything!!!
I feel your pain! I use the Jergens tanning foam--it's light and dries quick and is pretty easy to use. That said, I use it almost daily and am still pretty pasty. This just goes to show you how really white white I am!
Ugh, I had that realization last week. Mine came in the form of, "Hmm.. what is this rash on my arm? Oh. That's not a rash, that's DRY SKIN!!! Oh my gosh! It's all over BOTH arms and down BOTH legs! I don't have this problem when there's sun in my life!! I also don't have this splotch of I-though-this-only-happened-when-you're-16 zits on my forehead when I have the slightest bit of tan!" So, in the meantime, I dashed to my local drug store & picked up some Jergens Touch of Sun. It's going to be a really long next couple of weeks as I wait for the weather to get warm enough to lay out - and my husband to put up our fence so that I don't flash my ghost-ness to the neighbors!
I've heard nothing but good things about that St. Tropez tanning mousse. I want to get ahold of some myself!! lol If you search "St Tropez mousse review" on YouTube you'll get tons of videos from girls who've already tried it and you can see what they say about it!
I feel you. Oh, how I feel you.
I am white too. Very white. And after moving to CA, I realized how white I truly am. Not fun, not fun at all.
Happy white thighs Monday!
I had the same realization this weekend and this is what I use L'Oreal Sunless Sublime Glow Daily Moisturizer in Medium- I love it I swear it gives you a real glow and it smells better than Jergens.
(I used this before my wedding and barely tanned and I think I had nice color!)
The St. Tropez stuff is awesome too but is a bit pricier but they sell it on QVC.
Oh girl, I know the problem! I want to be tan, but I feel like the lotions look fake, and the tanning bed is terrible! What's a girl to do?!
Oh sweetie I'm sure it's not that bad. There's some amazing drugstore tanning creams out there though that will do just the trick. I usually self tan even though I'm naturally more olive than white, I just like a little extra glow. I use this loreal stuff in an orange bottle, it works pretty well.
I was just thinking this over the weekend, too. I have some Avon that you are more than welcome to have. I'll send it your way. I did some googling this weekend and discovered that self-tanners are not safe for preggos, so it's all yours. I'll send it ASAP! It's good stuff, too!
same thing happened to me a few months ago...that's when it all started...my obsession with the tanning bed, it's not good!!
i love self-tanners too though, you should try one!
I still don't get how my Italian genes allow me to get so very pale. I use Aveeno self tanner. It looks WAY natural!
I love this post. Girl, you are reading my mind! I have to be in a wedding in three week wearing pale aqua...yes, in March!!! What was she thinking?!?! Chalk white wearing pale aqua. I am thinking an orange spray tan has to better than chalk white. Let us know what you decide to do about the situation...
I found your blog from my good friends and it's too funny. I can completely relate! I need to tan like ASAP!
Oh, I know what you mean! It's even worse when you work night shift and never see the light of day! I am so, so pale!
I'm super white this year too. I'm always tan, even in winter so this is very uncool. White and flabby are so not in style. Come on Spring Break! :)
See you Friday.
It is that time of the year when we all wish we had the tough of the isles or whatever that saying is. I need some tan like ASAP. Let me know if you get something that works that doesn't make you orange!
Oh I love L'Oreal spray tan ! Its the best! It also comes in lotion and gels! That post made me laugh but I totally feel you. I am pasty AND getting fatter by the day so its not so cute.
You obviously have never seen my legs... Be glad...
I have become content with my white legs, but I live in the midwest, not the south. If I was in the south it would probably be a different story! Good luck!
you're hilarious! but I totally understand needing a tanning bed like a fat kid needs cake!
however white you are I can guarantee I am whiter!!
I'm definitely marchin my fanny to a tanning salon soon. I know how controversial this is, but it looks oh so pretty and feels good too!
i totally feel you..badly!!! i am so white it is scary! I always like spray tans for the quick no-harmful tan or those tanning lotions that tan you gradually work good too! i'll let you know if i find a start method :) good luck fellow pasty friend!
I hear ya sister! I feel freakishly white too, but I do not live in the land of the sun, so I have a few more months to bask in my whiteness! Here wishing you lots of sunshine lady!! :)
i got really excited about reading this post because i thought it was going to be about pastries..oops. you being pasty is obviously just as exciting though..and i have to agree. i've been working so hard on losing weight and i still think i look like a blimp when i catch a glimpse of myself in my birthday suit because i'm just so white. i need a tan to hide the rest of my imperfections..aka the hail damage on my back side =/
Post a Comment